farters have to be the big spoon...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
