Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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