Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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