Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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