halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
