You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
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you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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