handjob tips. give me some.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dick very happy bro
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
