Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
