Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
