if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
