i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
