I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
