He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went