I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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