I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize