I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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