so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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