I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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