i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
