Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
