my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
