Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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