And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
