I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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