the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
