You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
honey bunches of taint.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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