Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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