She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
