Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
