I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
