my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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