I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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