So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
