Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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