one two three fourrrrnication!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
