she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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