Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
