Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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