Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
