So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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