I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
