i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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