Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
