flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
