I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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