i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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