the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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