It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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