I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
