So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
