Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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