so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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