Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
