roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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