ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
