complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
