I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
